The Lovers Guide to Oral Sex

Blowjobs 101 - Oral Sex Revealed!
Everything You Need to know about Oral Blowjobs

BlowJob Pick Up Lines :

Yo Babyee, Wadup? Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me, aight?

(Look down at your crotch) Hi there - Well, It's not just going to suck itself. Fulfill your destiny!

Blow Jobs Question and Answer Time:

Q. Why is it exactly, do men like blowjobs?
A. It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Five minutes of peace and quiet.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
A. One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.

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The Old Man and his Blow Job

This dude goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the change and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, stop now, you've been relieved".

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One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that big fucking boat by giving blow jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head of his life

On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job was outstanding, How much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I only had a pussy."

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Anatomy of a Blow Job

The mighty women of earth come forward and speak out as to the true feelings, fears, emotions, and complexities of performing oral sex.

"Ok dudes, listen up!"

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Extension to rule1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
My ears are NOT handles.
Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...
When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to kissit good morning".

The manly men earthlings retaliate

First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish
You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.
Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.
When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
Play with the balls, nuture the balls, LOVE - the balls
No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
Caress the ass, too, we like that.
Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Leave the thinking to us, okay girls?

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When Potentail Blowjob Turns to a "Blow It"

This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says: "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

Welcome to our hot tips on oral sex!

The Old Man and his Blow Job

Best BlowJob Ever

When Potentail Blowjob Turns to a "Blow It"